A week ago, I caught-up with one of my best friends whom I haven’t seen for quite a while. We share our stories to each other and he knows me pretty well. A few months ago, I had a strange feeling that something’s not going right between the two of us. I decided to discuss with him about the ‘strange feeling’ that I have in me and I wanted to unpack it further.
At the beginning, he seemed a bit reluctant to talk about it. I explained to him how I felt and I really wanted to get this ‘wall’ out of the way. I wanted us to go back to how we used to be. Finally, he expressed that, as much as he valued me as his best friends, and he loved me enormously as a person, my sexuality has always been a very ‘eye-hurting curtain in the room’ and this made him feel very uncomfortable and confused. I had a big ‘wow’ moment when he said that.
He believes in God and so do I. We both are Christians and we go to church. But… we have a very different point of view when it comes to sexuality. Homosexuality makes him feel uncomfortable and he’s confused because the bible says ‘no’ and yet he understands clearly that this is not something I choose to be. He knows that I struggled a lot in the past and I am a good person with good values and lifestyle, but.. he feels uneasy about it.
He said, “I am very confused. I don’t know what to do sometimes. I love you as my best friend and I understand that it’s not your choice but I just couldn’t get pass that. To me, you are just like a very beautiful room. Everything looks awesome, clean and tidy, but you have a very special curtain that hurts my eyes every time I come across it. I tried not to look at it but it’s hard, you know. It’s a part of you and I can’t disregard or avoid away from looking at it”. To be honest, my heart was shattered when I learnt that my sexuality has led to him feeling so uncomfortable after all these years of knowing each other.
I understand that not everyone will accept me for who I am and that’s totally fine; however, hearing this from someone whom I am so close to, it hurts. Knowing that no matter what I do, how good I am, there are people out there who will never accept me. There are people out there who will always think that I am a ‘weirdo’, ‘abnormal’ and/or ‘unnatural’.
He has been keeping this secret for a long time and he tried to hide it so that he doesn’t show it in front of me. He doesn’t want to make me feel ‘unaccepted’. He did what he could at his best.